Breakdown

Cannot take life right now.

It KILLED me when J had to miss the first doctors appointment! Even though I knew nothing special would happen, I just always pictured him there, ya know? When it became evident that he wouldn't be able to make it, I slipped into a minor depression. I tried not to make it obvious, but I sobbed at least 2 hours before the actual appointment.

I have another appointment in a few days. He was gonna try really hard to come up here for this one. Especially since they will be drawing blood and I have an INTENSE fear of needles. Plus there is a chance we could hear the heartbeat. But train fare has nearly doubled in price and we cant afford that AND pay rent. I've had friends volunteer to be his "stand-in" but I cant let someone else hear the heartbeat before he does. It just wouldn't be right. I don't know what I'm gonna do with out him there. Its almost a week away and I'm already sobbing my head off.